Pre-Teens: 9-12 Years Old
It’s crucial to help pre-teens understand their growing and changing bodies. Talk with them about what changes to expect and how to deal with them.
Development varies greatly from person to person. This makes navigating puberty that much more difficult. Let pre-teens know that this is normal and our bodies grow and change at different rates. Reminder, puberty changes are often much more noticeable for girls. Girls can be concerned when their peers develop breasts or start their period and they haven't.
It is important that pre-teens understand the development of both sexes at this age. This awareness will help normalize development. It is helpful for them to know that their peers are going through these changes, too.
They will likely receive sex education in school. Follow up and ask them what they learned and if they have any questions. Sometimes it’s hard for kids to ask questions about sex and sexual development in front of their peers.
Romantic crushes or feelings can often begin to develop at this age. It’s important to set expectations around dating, marriage, and sexual relationships. Talk with your partner or other caretakers (if applicable) about these expectations.
It's incredibly important to talk to pre-teens about sex and consent. Be honest about consensual sex being a pleasurable experience. Also, let them know that it comes with very serious responsibilities. Explain to them that consent is asking permission before giving or receiving any touch. Then, apply consent to intimate interactions.
Define intimate interactions so there is no confusion. As always, answer their questions about sex and sexual relationships. Encourage them to come to you with questions or concerns in the future.
Talk to them about peer pressure. Reinforce their right to say “no” to any unwanted touch; let them know that the same is true for unwanted activity.
Scenarios are helpful learning tools for pre-teens. Play the “what if” game. Provide scenarios, hear their response, and have conversations about their response. Ensure you talk to them in a constructive, non-judgmental way. Include lighthearted scenarios so it does not feel as if it is a “test.” Here are some “what if” scenarios for getting the conversation started:
“What if someone close to you forcefully grabbed or groped you in a sexual way?”
“What if your boyfriend threatened to break up with you because you didn’t want to have sex?”
“What if one of your close friends had an intimate relationship with someone they shouldn’t?”